Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
