i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
