Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
