Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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