tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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