he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
