If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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