Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
