Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
