A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
