They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
