Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
