I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
