I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
