I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Come share oat with me in your robe
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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