So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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