i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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