Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
