If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
