3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
