i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
