Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Randomize
