Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
