i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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