Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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