Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
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