God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
