if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
