So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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