I showed him my bush... on skype.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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