so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
