Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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