Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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