Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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