when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
