My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am naked and annoyed.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
