By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
