someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
