I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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