i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
