it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
