I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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