You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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