He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
vagina is talking i cant
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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