Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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