Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
