ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
