i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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