I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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