i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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